so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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