Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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