in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
