We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
