My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I have post one night stand depression
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