I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
