i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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