Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
