dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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