Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
