She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
