I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize