The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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