I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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