i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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