I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
