My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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