Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
