I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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