if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No...this little piggys going to the bar
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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