I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
