I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
