I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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