i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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