so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
