I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
