I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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