I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
last night I used snow as a chaser
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
