i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
