I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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