The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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