I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
40s are totally the cure
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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