Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
