She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
