I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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