U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
