eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
