I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
