She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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