There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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