I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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