would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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