I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
