Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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