The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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