It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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