happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
