the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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