Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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