i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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