chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
