Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
