You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
