remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
