OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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