Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
