You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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