I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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